Hi everyone, I hope you’re all well.
Today’s post is going to be a long one, so get yourself a prosecco and a pack of custard creams or whatever tickles your fancy (just me that likes alcohol and biscuits?!).
I want to discuss two words, that when put together, everyone will have to experience doing at least once in their lives, if not more; Moving On.
We have to move on from a variety of situations in our lives; relationships, friendships, old jobs, cities, homes, careers, hobbies; we have to move on from things all the time, and yet it doesn’t get any easier.
I’m focusing on relationships in this post, because in my honest opinion, they are the hardest one to move on from.
I wanted to write this post because I get a lot of emails from people who read my blog asking for advice, and the majority of that stems from a break up. They want to know how to cope, to deal with the feelings they’re experiencing, and ultimately move on.
Break ups can happen under so many different circumstances; there are bad breakups and not so bad breakups, mutual ones, one sided ones, ones where you simply fall out of love and messy ones where people cheat and hurt each other.
Last year, my 2 year relationship with someone I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with ended. A lot of you reading this have probably had relationships last way longer than 2 years, and end, and obviously the longer you’re with someone, it’s usually harder when you break up. However it’s all relative, and my 2 year relationship ending was really painful and really hard.
I had thought I was going to marry my boyfriend, and my brain would physically not conceive any other idea. I couldn’t picture my life without him, and never thought I’d have to. I had simply thought that my life was set in stone, and I never thought that there may come a day when I wasn’t with him anymore.
Life happens, though. Life, and all the shit that comes with it. When you’re with someone, and you share a certain closeness with them, barriers get broken and you don’t put on airs and graces anymore. That’s when people get hurt, because you get comfortable with someone, you pick up on each others worst habits, their funny little ‘quirks’ stop becoming sweet, and the more at ease you feel with someone, the more you let go. In arguments, sometimes people can say things they don’t necessarily mean in anger, but with words, once they’re said you can’t take them back, and they usually never get forgotten. I am a person who finds it hard to forgive and forget, and when I get hurt by someone, and I can’t let go of it.
So, my relationship ended, and I suddenly had to learn to cope with emotions I’d never experienced before. Someone you love exiting your life, whether it’s your choice or not, is extremely painful and can feel like you’re actually grieving the loss of a person, because technically, you are, even if they’re still alive.
I know what it feels like to feel like half a person, because after spending a long time in a relationship with someone, they become part of you and you become part of them, and it is totally normal to struggle to cope with everyday life once that relationship ends.
You lose interest in everything, you can’t sleep, you can’t eat – or it goes the opposite way and all you do is sleep and eat as a coping mechanism. You cannot picture your life with anyone else, and you feel like this aching emptiness is how you’re going to feel forever.
But then…you don’t. I know that ‘Time is the biggest healer’ is the most cliché phrase in the world, and when you’re heartbroken you want to punch whoever says that in the face, because time is dragging by and you’re in pain, but it really is the truth.
It’s difficult to think logically when you’re going through a break up and feeling lots of different conflicting emotions, but you need to try your absolute best to. You won’t feel like this forever, and one day you will probably end up laughing about it.
When you’re going through the break down of a relationship, you want to hide away, not see anyone, do anything or communicate with the outside world, except that person of course. That is the opposite of what you need; you have to go out and do things. I made sure I was kept really, really busy. I spent time with my family, I went out a lot with my friends, whether it was just a coffee, a full on night out, dinner, drinks, anything at all, I said yes to everything simply to keep myself busy and keep my mind off of things.
It’s all well and good doing all of this, but if you maintain contact with the person you’re having to move on from, you never will. Delete, block, remove, erase. Block them on all social media, delete all photos from your phone, block their number, block them on WhatsApp, Snapchat, bloody eBay if you have to! All you need to ruin your process of moving on is a late night text message or a drunken missed call, and you’re right back to where you started.
It can be so difficult making the decision to remove all traces of them from your life, but it’s necessary; a cut is never going to heal if you keep picking at it and opening up the old wound.
You also need to experience being alone and self-sufficient, even if it’s for a short space of time. You’ve got to deal with losing someone who meant a lot to you, and adjust to life being single, and realise that actually in reality, you don’t need to be with someone to make you complete.
Moving on from someone doesn’t mean you stop caring about them; it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, and that you’re intentionally trying to hurt them. You can care about someone and their wellbeing, and not want to be with them, or acknowledge that you aren’t right for each other.
Also, stop punishing yourself. If you do have a slip up, and send a drunk message a week after you break up, or spend an evening eating bag after bag of your favourite sweets just because you feel shitty and down, that’s fine. You do what you need to do to feel better during the times when you hit rock bottom.
On behalf of someone who feels a lot (I’m seriously the most emotional person ever sometimes), it will get better. Take things one day at a time, don’t put too much pressure on yourself, and let yourself feel what you are feeling. There’s no point trying to push those emotions out and convince yourself you’re fine when you’re not. You need to go through the motions, be upset, cry shitloads, drink a bottle of wine on a Thursday just because and order Domino’s every night for a week. Do whatever is necessary, and take pride in the fact that you are going through something horrible and you’re dealing with it whichever way you know how.
You’re a human being with a biological make-up that forces you to feel sadness, pain and loss, and you shouldn’t feel shit about yourself because of that. Everyone feels it, everyone goes through it at some point, but you can either let it take over your life and leave you feeling lost and alone and heartbroken for a very long time, or you can take control of it and let it make you a better person who can deal with shit situations easier and easier each time they arise.
You will get your happy ending eventually, whether it’s a year or ten years from now; just be patient and trust the things that happen in your life. Everything really does happen for a reason, and one day you will end up with the person you’re meant to be with, six months or six years down the line. Put your trust in the way the Universe works.
I hope that this post helped you, if you are going through a hard time with a break up at the moment, or just a difficult time in general. Always remember that you are stronger than you think.
All my love BGP xx