(Pre getting nails done…don’t judge)
Hi everyone, I hope you’re all well.
Today’s post, is a kind of chatty/what I’ve learnt post. As some of you who read my blog regularly might know…I was with someone for 2 years, we split up, a few months later I wrote a post about everything I’d learnt. I met someone else, was with them for a year, and then we split up…and now, I’m writing another post, about what I’ve learnt this time around.
Now, I’ve had other breakups before, but none that were serious relationships really, or that I was really, genuinely heartbroken over. I may of thought I was at the time, but looking back, I now know that I wasn’t. It was just the ‘idea’ of what I had with those people that I was crying over.
These 2 relationships, however, the ones I’ve written about, have been with 2 people I genuinely was devastated to lose. I’m not saying I necessarily ‘lost’ them, as it wasn’t me behaving badly that caused the breakdown of either of these relationships it was just…circumstance, I guess.
When I went through the first breakup, I thought I’d never meet anyone I loved again, never be happy again, never move on. I thought I’d be sad forever, and I also thought I’d never love anyone as much as I loved him, and that if I did meet someone else and break up with them, that I wouldn’t care at all because they weren’t him.
All those things were wrong; I met someone else, I fell in love with them, they were my absolute world, and I was extremely happy when things were good. I did love them as much, and I was equally as upset and hurt when we broke up as I was the first time around.
However, I handled it completely differently; I had grown up a lot between those two relationships and those two breakups, and although of course I cried in bed, watched shit films, ate a lot of chocolate and moaned continuously to my friends, I also didn’t let everything go to shit, as such. I felt like absolute crap, but I kept blogging and working and getting up and getting dressed everyday. I took a more mature approach to the break up, with No Contact seeming the best route to go down, purely because as much as you want to speak to that person, it’s only going to make things worse for you if you do.
I won’t lie, I have become more wary now, after the 2nd breakup. I guess with every relationship you get into, you do think it’s going to be forever, or else why would you be with them? I thought it would be forever first time, and when that failed, I thought it definitely would be the second time, because I just couldn’t ever imagine us splitting up; my brain could simply not fathom it, as it was a very different kind of relationship to any I’d had before. There was no shouting rows, really, no checking phones (I’ll hold my hands up and admit I’ve done that before and I’m not proud), no accusations, no jealousy or anything like that. It was what it was, and it was quite chilled out, and it made me feel like this what I’d needed my whole life. Of course, life works in mysterious ways, and it didn’t work out in the end.
It has taught me to be cautious. Maybe that’s not a good thing, and life, or especially romance and intimate relationships, should be entered into with no regard for the future (except a feeling that it’s going to be forever this time), and you shouldn’t harbour any bad feelings or uncertainties, but I’m afraid to say I probably will for quite a long time. It’s not that I don’t believe in love anymore, because I do, I just believe that love sometimes doesn’t work out the way you want it to, and that it’s not the answer to everything. You can love someone, and they can still not be right for you. Love doesn’t automatically make something last forever.
I hope I’ll meet someone who will take away my now cautious attitude towards relationships, because it’s not something I necessarily want to have. I want to be impulsive and spontaneous and not think too much about things, but when you’ve been hurt, and we all have, it can make you take a step back sometimes and try and protect yourself. We’ve all cried in bed over someone before, and we’ve all vowed we don’t ever want to do that or feel that way again, so it’s natural to never want to put yourself in that situation again.
If someone had told me this time last year, that I’d be sitting here writing this today, I’d have been in shock, because I didn’t think this was the way things would work out. That’s another thing that this has all taught me, and that’s to expect the unexpected, and just live my life and whatever happens will happen.
I became physically unwell because of how much stress I was going through, I had a constant headache, I ached, I had pressure behind my eyes, I just felt exhausted and at a total loss, because I was punishing myself so much mentally for how everything had worked out. It wasn’t my fault, it wasn’t anyones fault, it’s just the way things turned out, yet I was putting 110% blame on myself, and my brain was attacking me and making me feel like I ruined everything good that ever happened to me.
This whole situation has taught me to be kinder to myself too; I can’t be bothered with being my own worst enemy anymore. There’s so many other people trying to tear you down constantly in life, why be one of them, and do it to yourself too? It’s tiring, and I’m done with it.
The main thing the 2nd breakup has taught me, is that I need some time alone. I need to not have a boyfriend, basically.
I’ve been constantly seeing people, texting someone, or in a full blown relationship for years now, never having any time to myself, always being someone elses other half, and letting them become my other half. It’s lovely and it’s great and deep down no one really wants to be alone, but for now, it’s what’s best for me. I need a break from it all, and to just be by myself. Who knows, I could meet my future husband tomorrow, but I’m not looking for anyone, and if you’re going through a similar thing to me, I really do recommend just taking a step back and being by yourself.
I know it’s hard when all your friends are in relationships; I literally have barely any single friends, they’re all in serious relationships, live together, are married, have kids, are fully settled down, and I’m not, and it is hard and I do get upset because I know I can always talk to them and they will always be there for me, but at the end of the day they have their own busy lives, and I don’t want to rely on people and be a burden. I totally understand how it feels to feel like everyone has their happy ever after except you, because trust me, I’m there right now, but I promise you that we will all get ours one day, just be patient!
So…here’s to a 2018 of being single, potentially finding The One, but definitely not looking for him, and enjoying not having to shave my legs and noo every few days. Woohoo.
All my love BGP xx