Hi everyone, I hope you’re all well.
Over the past few weeks, me and my friends have been talking about ‘closure’, specifically in relationships, and more importantly, not getting any closure.
One of my friends was in a really awful situation with a boy (he was 29 but we will not call him a man, because he’s quite frankly not), who badly hurt her, and was quite simply a horrible, manipulative human. She feels she never got any closure with him, because she never fully got to explain to him what he did to her, and how it affected her, it all just ended very abruptly and he was left to swan off and continue happily with his life.
It got me to thinking about closure, and what it really means, and if we even need it when a relationship ends.
To begin with, I completely understand how she feels, because I’ve been there myself. I’ve felt like I didn’t say everything I wanted to, didn’t fully explain to an ex how badly they hurt me, or how much I did for them, or I didn’t get enough answers about why they did what they did, or how everything went to shit.
I started imagining myself in these scenarios with exes; telling them exactly what they did, what they put me through; shouting and screaming and trying to get them to feel the anger I felt at the time. And all I ended up thinking after imagining those situations was…it doesn’t make a difference.
Whatever you say to someone who hurt you, betrayed you, and treated you like shit, will never be enough. There will always be something else you want to say, another thing you want to explain. You will always want them to feel exactly how you felt, and the truth is, they A) Might never feel that, and B) If they did, or ever do, it doesn’t matter anyway.
The horrible way someone treated you is all the closure you need.
We constantly convince ourselves that we need lengthy explanations from someone, telling us why they did it; why they cheated, why they didn’t want us, why they didn’t love us. Whatever it is, we feel like we need these ‘final answers’ to achieve closure, but really, all you’ll do is want more and more and more. The closure will never be achieved. The only way to ever get closure, is by accepting the fact you never got it, and that they’re not worth another minute of your time.
Quite a while ago, an ex boyfriend messaged me to try and clear the air between us, saying that he thought everything was amicable, but he was concerned something had changed. I explained to him that he had broken my heart, but that I’d moved on and was fine now, but that I didn’t really see the point in messaging. Because he continued to press, I ended up going into great detail about all the bad things he’d done and how he’d hurt me and I opened up an entire can of worms; when he had messaged me, at that time in my life, I’d felt I was in great need of ‘closure’ with him. I thought we’d never properly ended, I needed to know what, when, why and how, and I needed explanations and answers.
After some back and forth messaging, it became clear to me that he simply didn’t understand what he’d put me through, and that he probably never would. And if he ever did, it would be too damn late.
Receiving those messages from him, well, they gave me no closure. What gave me the closure I needed, was not getting any; realising that no matter what he said or I said, no matter how much I tried to convey the pain he’d put me through, no matter how much I told him how he’d made me feel…he would quite simply never get it, and that was all the closure I required.
Some people will never see the error of their ways; they will never see a problem with their behaviour, and they will never want to make positive changes. Some people will completely destroy a person, and not care, or be reluctant to admit to any kind of responsibility for it. Those people need to be left in the past.
If you are struggling to move on with your life because of a lack of ‘closure’ from a relationship, please just take their actions as closure. If someone is not actively trying to keep you in their life, that is all the answers to all your questions, right there on a plate for you.
All my love BGP xx