This is a very difficult blog for me to write because it’s extremely personal and not the sort of thing I usually write – but I felt I needed to share it, to educate people and also because I’ve never really fully got it off my chest.
I got the contraceptive implant months ago. My friend had it and loved it; you have it changed once every 3 years and don’t have to think about it at all. When it’s first put in, you get light bruising and a sore arm but that’s a small price to pay for only having to think about something every 3 years.
Within the first week, I had changed completely. I was verging on suicidal, having the darkest thoughts I had ever had in my life. I cried every single day, and the smallest thing made me fly off the handle and leave me in tears for hours.
About 2 weeks later, I felt better.
I thought my previous feelings had just been my body getting used to the implant and the new hormones being pumped continuously into my body. I was wrong.
This was the start of me becoming a monster. Anything was permissible for me to start an argument. I became excessively paranoid and anxious over everything, disgracefully jealous and a toxic person to be around. One minute I was on top of the world and feeling positive about everything and the next, I thought there was no point in being alive.
I went looking for arguments, just to release a small percentage of the anger and emotion pent up inside of me. Sometimes I would just be sitting at home and cry for absolutely no reason at all; ridiculous and unreasonable thoughts took over my brain and I began to believe they were true.
At first, I refused to believe it could be the cause of the implant. But then I realised who I was before I had it, and I was a shadow of my former self. I had morphed into a completely different person. I was still me, but my true personality had been masked by a vicious and argumentative person.
I feel the most sorry for my family, friends and boyfriend throughout all of this. They, especially my boyfriend, bore the brunt of my constant outbursts, searches for arguments and emotional tantrums.
But I couldn’t help it. I felt like my body had been taken over by some dark exterior force. I didn’t recognise myself and my behaviour was absolutely out of control. I would tell myself that I was going to keep it at bay, that tomorrow was going to be different but it never was.
This isn’t a blog to say that the implant is the worst thing in the world and no one should ever have it; if everyone reacted the way I did to it, then it wouldn’t be offered to women as a contraceptive option anymore. I am not alone in my reaction, many other women have experienced the same, just as they have to other types of contraception.
It’s all dependent on your body’s make up and how you react to it. Each person is different, and I’m sure a lot of women, like my close friend, love it. But it wasn’t for me, and I’ve had to learn to accept that.
I hope this has been helpful, and that if any of you reading this have gone through or are going through what I did whilst having the implant, you aren’t alone and I completely understand what you’re going from.
I know what it’s like to have gone through this and I vividly remember what I felt like at my lowest point. Please, if you are having any worrying thoughts, speak to a loved one, and if you can’t, contact the Samaritans by either emailing them or calling them, so they can be a fresh ear to listen to your problems and help you overcome the feelings you’re experiencing.
All my love BGP xx