In light of My Pale Skin Blog‘s documentary Troll Hunters on BBC3, I thought I’d write a blog post about my own experiences. I think it’s very necessary to be honest about these things, in order for others to realise they are not alone.
I was bullied at school. There’s such a stigma around admitting that, like admitting that you were bullied means you’re not enough and that you’re pathetic. In reality, it doesn’t mean that at all.
So many people are bullied at school – sometimes it’s just the odd bit of name calling, and for others, it’s far worse.
I got attacked at school when I was 14 for no reason, by a girl and her friends who I didn’t even know. I was timid, small, shy. I was a very easy target for empathy lacking people like these, to release their anger on.
They told me, well, the ‘ringleader’ told me, that if I told anyone they had done it, they would do it again but worse, they’d kill me. I remember them saying this as I lay on the floor, fading in and out of consciousness due to how hard my head had been thrown against the floor, and my stomach kicked, face punched, hair yanked.
I didn’t tell anyone, but they got found out anyway. They filmed it, on their little Nokia phones back in those days, but they filmed it. I suppose attacking an innocent person isn’t enough for some people.
The school did pretty much nothing – a day or two of exclusion, and a slap on the wrists.
The funny thing is that I could’ve dealt with this – the attack, it had happened, I couldn’t change it, that was that. But what happened thereafter for 3 years, was something that was very difficult to deal with.
The girl, the main girl of the group, went on to bully me every single day of my school life until we all went off to college. She told me to kill myself, hang myself, slit my wrists, drink bleach, that the world would be a better place without me, everyone would be happier, my family and friends. Every morning that I walked into school she seemed genuinely confused as to why I hadn’t followed through with her demands.
I detested school. Every day I would wake up and utterly dread the day ahead, because I knew what was going to happen. I even considered not attending my Year 11 Prom because I was so afraid that she might be there and make the evening I had been so excited for, an absolute nightmare.
This isn’t me trying to get sympathy – I’m sure most of you reading this have been bullied at some point in your lives, and each story is equally as horrible as the last one. But it is comforting to know that someone who’s blog you may read, or makeup tips you may take, has also been through something similar to you and came out the other side.
When I was that age, social media wasn’t really a thing – there was Facebook but it wasn’t a massive deal. Twitter and Instagram and Snapchat definitely weren’t around. I think for that I am grateful – if you’re at school nowadays, you have a lot more to face, with people able to abuse you on so many different platforms.
Of course, as someone with a social media presence, I get abuse. Because I’m currently anonymous, not a lot can be looks related thankfully but when I go public, I’m sure a lot of it will.
I have been told that the reason I’m anonymous is because I’m clearly fat and I’m not going to reveal myself until I’ve worked all the weight off, I’m shit, everything I do is shit, I think that I’m amazing when actually no one cares what I have to say – nothing really too severe, most of it pretty laughable. When you’ve had people say the most disgusting things possible to you, someone calling you stuck up is like water off a ducks back.
If any of you reading this are at school, college, work, university, and you’re being bullied – my advice would be that you need to let someone know. You can’t go through it alone and you shouldn’t have to. The person doing it needs to be punished and shown that treating another human that way is not acceptable.
My second piece of advice would be to realise that you’re better than that, and the words they throw at you. Someone who gets joy out of telling someone to kill themselves, or commenting on someone’s Instagram to tell them they’re ugly, is someone who is very unhappy with themselves deep down and is trying to fill the void that is inside them.
If I saw the girl who made my life an absolute misery at school now, I wouldn’t feel the fear that I used to knot up in the pit of my stomach, simply because I know who I am, and I know what I have achieved and continue to achieve, and what my dreams are, and being bullied by someone who’s life lacks anything joyful, isn’t going to effect me being happy.
I hope you liked this post, it was a very personal one that was difficult to write, but I wanted to write it to let anyone reading this know that no matter what, you are not alone.
All my love BGP xx