10 Stages Of A Girls Night Out

Night Out

  1. The Planning – One of you gets the idea into your heard of a Girls Night Out. You all excitedly plan and act like it’s going to resemble a scene in Made in Chelsea where you bob around with flutes of champagne and your hair looks perfect all night. In reality, you all know in the back of your heads that it’s going to involve jaegerbombs staining your new white ASOS dress, getting into a fight with a man who thought it was acceptable to grope your bum in said new white ASOS dress, and you not taking your makeup off before you go to sleep or brushing your teeth, and waking up feeling absolutely feral.
  2. The Alcohol Buying – You nip to Tesco on Friday to get a few bottles for pre drinks. We all know what happens here. You go to the rosé section and buy whichever is cheapest. Echo Falls, Blossom Hill, Black Forest. It doesn’t matter. As long as each bottle doesn’t cost more than £3.69, you’re buying. Ain’t nobody got time for Veuve Clicquot.
  3. The Getting Ready – Your fake tan has gone so patchy you look like you have a skin disease but have also just returned from a fortnight in Dubai. Your winged liner – you can’t even talk about it. Why did you decide to go in for a smoky eye? Why oh why? You’ll never know the answer. Your face doesn’t look contoured – you look like you have the same round face, but now you’ve just got a few brown lines in different places where your bones should be. All you need now is for your fake eyelashes to fuck up and you can bet your life that you won’t be going. All the while, your friends are constantly ringing and texting you. Do they not understand that you’re only one bad lip liner move away from a breakdown?
  4. The Pre Drinking – You’ve gathered at one of your houses to get drunk before you go out to get drunk, basically. Wine is being consumed, the UK Top 40 is being played, last minute nails are being painted. Selfies are being taken – due to winged eyeliner and contour issues earlier in the evening, you are trying to stay clear of any cameras. You do not want Facebook to think that this is all you’re capable of makeup wise.
  5. The Taxi Ordering – Why do all taxi companies act like you’re asking for the blood of their first born when you ask for a seven seater taxi? They’re not that rare, you see them all the time, and quite frankly, whenever you order a taxi just for yourself, they send an actual mini van to you. Then, the taxi arrives (two four seaters, because apparently seven seater taxis are just out of the question) and no one is ready. You are standing on the doorstep screaming for shoes to be put on and clutch bags to be grabbed, all the while watching the meter rising (you are NOT paying for ten pounds worth of sitting outside the house). People don’t have their phones, jackets are lost, heels cannot be found. Next time, you’re just going to stay in.
  6. The Arrival – Why bother ever trying to save for a holiday when you can just spend your entire savings paying to get into a club? After the heart attack moment when they tell you how much it actually costs to enter the sweaty, sticky, loud vicinity, you then queue for half an hour and pay more money just for them to hang your coat up. They give you what resembles a raffle ticket, which is basically your bargaining tool to reclaim your jacket later on, when in reality, this little scrap of paper will be lost within half an hour and you will never see your Zara jacket again. Sorry.
  7. The Drinking & Dancing – You’re pretty sure there are 12 year olds in this club. That manchild can surely not be of age to drink alcohol. He looks like he still attends Scouts on the weekend. Oh, great, manchild is now trying to grope you. It’s nice to know you spent £65 on a new dress, to get touched by people who hadn’t been born when you’d left school. Great. You and your friend accept the offer of drinks from a rowdy stag do, and after drinks are in hands, swiftly exit. Please, please can they not find you later on in the night. They will probably find you outside the kebab shop at 3am. You should never have accepted that double vodka and lemonade.
  8. Smoking Area – You don’t smoke but your friends do, therefore you stand shivering in a smoke filled cage just so that you don’t have to stand alone in the club with the manchildren and stag do’s. This is generally the area where phone calls happen; and when I say phone calls, I mean people phoning their ex’s. Your friends also befriend people over the lending of a lighter, and you’re now stuck with these people as friends for the duration of the night.
  9. 5am Food – What even is a diet? What’s an apple? The sun is nearly up and you’re shovelling cheesy chips (you highly doubt this plastic yellow substance on your chips is legally called cheese though) into your mouth like it’s your last meal. You’re also taking photos of yourself eating said cheesy chips. This will be a great photo to review in the morning when you haven’t brushed your teeth, your mouth tastes of sick and you hate yourself.
  10. The Hangover – You begin to wake up at around 2pm and wonder if you forgot someone smashing a sledgehammer over your head last night? Was I attacked? Did someone hit me over the head? Did I headbutt a wall? All of these options seem plausible right now, judging from the pain radiating from your head. You’re also boiling hot, and you feel like you haven’t had water in about 4 years. Your clutch bag is on the pillow next to you – you have about £50 worth of change in there, and also about 38 receipts. Oh, great. You bought a round of tequila shots for 16 people. You weren’t even out with 16 people. Fucking fantastic.

All my love BGP xx

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