1. Preparing For The Tanning – You know you need to. You’re going out Friday, it’s Thursday night and you wanna do 2 layers so you have time to shower it off Friday. But you’re laying in bed, watching Made in Chelsea on Catchup and 0 motivation is currently happening. The thought of standing naked in your room whilst pasting yourself with multiple layers of fake tan is just horrifying. All you want to do is continue lying here, being lazy, and eating chocolate mini rolls.
2. The Actual Tanning – It’s cold. You’re naked. The fake tan is cold. Life is shit. Oh, great, you can’t reach that small spot on your back. And you’re wearing a backless dress tomorrow. It’s fine, you’ll just have a tanned back with a single white spot. Whatever. That just sums up your life pretty much. A huge disappointment. Oh, great, and now a big lump has just fallen off your tanning mitt onto the carpet. Fan-flipping-tastic.
3. The Aftermath – You’re tired. And sticky. But you simply have to stand, clothesless, in your bedroom, until you dry. You can’t even put pyjamas on. At last you give up – you can’t wait any longer. You try and get into bed but you’re basically stuck to the sheets.
4. The Next Morning – You are a colour no human has ever been – and your hands are ten times darker than that. There’s no way any makeup you own will ever match this colour. Your face is a malteaser and your body is the colour of a dark oak dining room table. You are scared of your own reflection.
5. The Shower – You feel slightly miserable as you see orange liquid floating down the drain – what a waste of tan and money, just flowing away. Oh well, at least now you’ll be a bronzed goddess, looking like you’ve just returned from 2 weeks in Barbados. However, you get out the shower and one of two things happen. You’re either the exact same colour as when you got in, or it looks like you never even fake tanned, and you’re back to being Caspar the Ghost.
6. Getting Ready – Why did you decide to wear a white dress? Why? Literally WHY? You’re desperately trying to cake bronzer on your face to attempt to look like your face belongs to your body, except your face is still as white as a cloud. Why do you not own darker foundation? WHY?
7. Going Out – Some absolute idiot has spilt a jaegerbomb on your leg and now you’re like a rasher of streaky bacon. Also, photos are being taken with flash on – and upon review, you look monochrome. Your body is black and your face is white. Avoid club photographers at all costs.
8. The Patchy Stage – The inside of your arm is like nothing any dermatologist has ever seen before. Your chest – well let’s not even speak about it. You scrub till your skin is red raw but nothing appears to be coming off. You accept this is now your skin, forever.
9. Running Out – Going through the stage where you realise you no longer have fake tan left – well, it’s a panic like never before. What will you do? You physically do not own makeup to match your natural skin colour. You just don’t. And the thought of getting your milky white legs out… Well, it’s inconceivable.
10. The Love You Have For Fake Tan – Even though you’ve had your ups and downs, you still always go back to the love of your life – fake tan. It’s always there for you, it always lifts your mood – nothing will ever compare. That smelly, brown liquid – it’s an endless love affair.
All my love BGP xx