Today’s blog post was going to be a beauty post, however it dawned on me that something pretty major happened a few weeks ago in regards to my anxiety, and therefore I thought I’d share it with you all today.
So, as most of you will know, I suffer with anxiety – if you want to read my original post on that search ‘My Anxiety Journey’ where I speak in depth about everything.
Just to summarise, I first started having the symptoms of anxiety after being attacked when I was 14, and then when I was hospitalised due to a bleeding disorder when I was 17, I got severe health anxiety. Everything climaxed in around November of last year, and the months following completely changed me as a person. I barely left the house, I was scared to do anything. I would sit on my bed and stare into space for hours on end, or sit crying, not wanting to speak to anyone.
I was petrified to live my life. I had a constant view that I was going to die young. Every morning I was surprised to wake up alive, which sounds ridiculous but it was how I felt. If I did go out, I feared everyone was out to get me. I would study any person standing or walking near me, thinking they were going to attack me. Any ache in my body led to me thinking I had a terminal illness – and I know that you’ll think ‘hypochondriac’, but I was very, very ill in hospital when I was 17 and so that made me believe that there was always something wrong with me.
I blog about my beauty, it’s my passion; but I stopped wearing makeup if I ever went out, which turned out to be rarely. I didn’t want to be noticed, I wanted to hide away. And I felt so, so alone. Because I couldn’t say ‘My anxiety surrounds social situations’ or ‘My anxiety surrounds health’, it was so difficult to explain, because it was so many different things, all built up into one big, horrible mess inside me.
Anyway, I’ve rambled for so long, I need to get back to the point of the blog post!
So, after all of that, I began my anxiety therapy as you all know, where I met with my therapist once a week so that she could try and help me live my life again.
For a while, I didn’t really feel it was helping – I had hypnotherapy (didn’t work) and went on anti depressants (literally saved my life) during that time, and although the anti depressants really, really took the edge of things, I still didn’t feel overly great. But then, I started to really find the talking therapy helpful.
My therapist didn’t judge me at all, and made me feel like all my concerns and worries were totally normal.
She listened, offered advice and help, and made me feel like the world was a safe place again.
I had my last session of therapy a few weeks ago, and I do feel nervous to now be totally on my own, as going to see my therapist each week was sort of a safety blanket, but looking back on how far I’ve come since I had my first session, I feel so proud of myself and so much more positive.
I was at such a low point and now I feel like a different person. All them months ago, I had no idea I’d ever be feeling this way again, but I do, and so for any of you out there that are really suffering with your mental health, I promise you that there are better times ahead, you just need to push on, get the help needed, and know that storms don’t last forever.
I’ve received hate on different platforms for speaking out about my anxiety, and most recently, for speaking about my health anxiety, I was criticised because there are people who are seriously ill, and I was told I had no right to talk about my ‘battles’ when I’m not actually ill.
What I will say about that, is this; Illness, of any kind, is awful, and heartbreaking, and I’d never wish it on anyone. Never, ever. Anyone who currently is suffering with any form of illness, all I wish is for them to get better and have their health back. However, 3 years ago, I was in that same situation, where I thought I was going to die, and was seriously ill. Therefore, I have anxiety about my health, which chills me to the bone everytime I think something is even slightly wrong. It ruled my life for so long, and it’s important to talk about it, because my anxiety isn’t an isolated case.
So many people experience anxiety but everything under the sun, including their health. I refuse to brush it under the carpet. I refuse to not speak about mental health just in case people insult me, or because people think it’s too personal to speak about.
There are so many people going through depression and anxiety like I am, and we’re all in it together. I want the stigma around mental health to stop, and for people to not be scared to admit that they’re depressed or have anxiety, and to be able to seek help.
All my love BGP xx