For Christmas this year, I’d like a few things.
To begin with, I’d like some sort of device that puts a block on my card past midnight; recently, a weird curse has been taking over me when the clock strikes 12, and I wake up the next day having spent £247 on shots for strangers. If you could please invent something that blocks my card except for absolute emergencies (and no, Santa, jaegerbombs do not count as an emergency), that would be great.
Another thing I’d like, is for you to magically make all my old clothes fit me. I have some lovely clothes, Santa, but unfortunately I ate way too much garlic bread this year, and now when I try and fit into them, I end up ripping them and I start crying. It would be great if you could just make the waistband on them a tiny bit bigger.
I’d also really like for you to slow down the rate at which my body hair grows; why can’t the hair on my head and eyebrows grow at the rapid pace that my leg hair grows? My poor brows are still recovering from my mistakes 10 years ago. Please, give them a break.
I don’t want to be greedy, but if you possibly can, I’d like you to make my boobs grow just a tiny bit; just a cup size or so. It would mean the world to me if you could do this for me especially; I sometimes see people a decade younger than me with bigger boobs and it’s quite depressing, it really is. Boob jobs are expensive, and I’d rather spend that money on prosecco and eyeshadow palettes.
One last thing, and this is a really, really important one; can you invent something that puts me in a good mood 99% of the time? I’ve been in a bit of a foul mood recently, to the point where if someone breathes near me, I roll my eyes so hard that they fall into the back of my head and I make a sort of animalistic growling noise. I can’t help it, and I can’t even give the excuse of it being my time of the month…I think I’m just hardwired to be a moody b*tch, so if you could possibly sort that out, and make me not be quite so snappy and lairy my whole life, that would be great.
Here’s hoping that I wake up on Christmas Morning to a healthy bank balance, clothes that fit, hairless legs, big boobs and a nice personality.
All my love BGP xx