(IMAGE COPYRIGHTED TO BRIGHTON GIRL PROBLEMS)
Hi everyone, I hope you’re all well.
There’s something I’ve wanted to do on my blog for a while now, but I never felt it was the right time, and I never felt confident enough to do it, but my new outlook on life beginning in 2017 is literally ‘f*ck it’, and so here we are.
I’m starting a blog series called Let’s Talk About It where I’m going to talk to you about subjects that are seen as ‘taboo’, and that not many people talk about, due to the connotations and negativity that seem to surround them.
Today, I want to talk to you about abortion.
I had an abortion in May 2015, so nearly 2 years ago now. I know that the majority of you reading this will be extremely supportive and non-judgmental, and I know that there will be a minority who will judge me, insult me and tweet me abuse; and I don’t care. I am doing this blog post to help women of all ages and backgrounds who are going through this, or have gone through this, who need support, and need to know that they’re not alone.
So yes; I had an abortion nearly 2 years ago. I was in a long term relationship at the time, and contraception had failed. I was pregnant, and absolutely petrified. It wasn’t what either of us wanted, we weren’t ready, not mentally, not financially, not in any way, shape or form.
I have always said that I will only bring a child into this world when I am financially secure, I own my own home, I am with the right person who I am certain I want to start a family with, I have travelled, I’ve done everything I want to do; none of those things were happening for me. I was absolutely not ready to become a mother. I am not saying that people who have children who haven’t travelled or don’t have their own home are doing it wrong, it’s all about personal preference, and that has always been my preference.
That is not to say that it was not one of the most difficult decisions I’ve ever had to make; I am sure for 99% of women who have abortions, it is one of the most difficult decisions they ever have to make, but that doesn’t mean it’s not the right decision.
I don’t regret my abortion; however awful that may sound to some of you, I don’t. I made the right decision for myself at that point in my life; it was the right decision for both myself and my partner at the time. We broke up last year, and so we weren’t right for each other. I want to have a child with the right person.
I was about 5 weeks pregnant when I found out; my period was about 10 days late, and I did a test which confirmed it. I was in absolute shock, I never, ever thought that it would happen to me. I was so convinced I would only ever get pregnant when I genuinely wanted to, but things don’t turn out like that in life unfortunately.
The abortion clinic I went to was extremely busy, and I got an appointment 2 weeks later to have my consultation, in which they discussed my options with me, did a scan to find out how far along I was, and then discussed which kind of abortion I wanted to have.
I apologise if this is a bit too personal for anyone reading this, and feel free to stop reading; the point of this post is to help any women going through this right now and who are unsure of their options, and so I want to give realistic facts and information, and not just skirt around the topic.
So, I decided to have a Surgical Abortion. This is a minor procedure, in which you can either be put under local or general anaesthetic. I decided against a Medical Abortion, which is where you take a set of pills, as due to the bleeding disorder I’ve had in the past, it was best for me to experience as less bleeding as possible.
I opted for General Anaesthetic, so I was totally asleep/unconscious. I went in on the day, was taken up to the clinic where I changed into a gown, and then immediately the anaesthetist put me under. The next time I woke up was after the procedure had been completed, and I was given antibiotics and rested for a while before going home.
Unfortunately, I was throwing up the antibiotics and so I got an infection, where I had to take more antibiotics, and had a really bad fever, sickness etc.
The physical symptoms were nothing compared to the emotional symptoms I experienced; I honestly felt at the lowest I ever have in my life. I felt like the most terrible person in the world for what I’d done, and I cried all day everyday.
You are offered post-abortion counselling, which is something I stupidly didn’t accept; I definitely recommend having it if you are feeling low and down about your decision.
As time went on and the weeks and months past, I began to feel better, and I knew I’d made the right decision. It doesn’t matter if you know that you’ve done the right thing for you and the pregnancy, you still feel out of sorts, upset, angry, guilty, emotional, depressed, anxious…you feel it all.
This isn’t to say that you should feel like that; I’ve read many articles about women who felt nothing, and simply moved on with their lives. That is perfectly fine, and there is no right or wrong way to feel, it’s all subjective to the woman going through it.
Whatever you feel is fine; it’s all dependent and it’s all relative. Don’t force yourself to feel certain emotions, you will feel what you feel and that’s all there is to it.
Nearly 2 years on, and it’s still something I think about every once in a while, of course it is, like I’m sure every woman who’s gone through it does. I know I made the right decision, because I wouldn’t have been able to provide the life I wanted to for that child, or for myself.
Abortion is a taboo subject, and one that many women are ashamed to admit that they have gone through. We are made to feel like criminals for making an informed, intelligent decision about our own bodies. There are anti-abortion ‘pro-life’ protestors outside abortion clinics and in town centres, politicians trying to de-legalise it, people everywhere online judging women for it. It’s no wonder that we are forced to hide it, and feel ashamed and guilty.
But we shouldn’t; I refuse to feel guilty about a decision I made that I don’t regret, a decision that millions of other women have made. I think often about the other women in the waiting room with me that day; we were all making informed decisions about our own bodies and our own lives, that we are lucky that we are allowed to make, because in many countries, even one’s close to home, women aren’t as lucky as us, and don’t have the option to make those decisions.
I had an abortion. You can judge me, and that’s okay; you’re allowed your opinion on the subject, but you’re not allowed a say on a decision I make about my own body, or any woman’s body.
I hope that this post helped any of you who are currently struggling with this subject or are feeling confused, or any of the emotions I’ve talked about above.
And for anyone with a conflicting opinion…please just keep it to yourself.
All my love BGP xx