Hi everyone, I hope you’re all well.
I wrote a post last year about the breakdown of my 2 year relationship; I recently shared it again on Twitter and had such an amazing response from so many of you saying that it had helped you, and I felt the need to do another one 9 months later, to talk to you about what I’ve learnt during the best part of a year after breaking up with someone I thought I’d be with forever.
It was the weirdest thing for me, my breakup, because we broke up a few times during our relationship. By broke up, I mean he dumped me, if only for a day or two. This post isn’t to badmouth him or slate him; he was no angel and he hurt me a lot, just like I’m sure most peoples exes have, but I’m over it now as I’m sure he is, and I don’t wish him any harm. So yeah, it wasn’t the most harmonious of relationships and we went through a lot of shit in 2 years.
I’m digressing; what was weird, was that I would be absolutely devastated by every argument and breakup. I remember one weekend we broke up and he went to a festival and I laid in bed crying hysterically, unable to cope, thinking we were done. All I did was take Night Nurse and then drift off to sleep, because I didn’t want to be awake that weekend whilst he was there and I was at home in so much pain, I just wanted to go to sleep and wake up and for him to be home and for us to be back together.
When we broke up, I was very hurt and I did my fair share of crying but I was kind of okay. It hit me in dribs and drabs for a while, I’d be fine and then I’d remember something and be in tears again. What made it harder is that for quite a while after we ended he wanted us to get back together, so I wasn’t being left to just move on, I had someone trying to restart our relationship and reminding me of the good times, which of course there were many, but equally there were many bad times too.
My family and friends were so surprised; I had been a mess so often whilst we were together, and all of a sudden we were genuinely over (I knew it was the end, as we’d had a huge Caribbean holiday booked which was cancelled). I remember the day we broke up I sat in my bestfriends car in McDonalds car park, trying to eat some chips and sobbing my heart out and telling her that I’d never, ever feel better or be happy again.
And then suddenly, I was. I felt a bit empty for a while, of course I missed him a lot and felt very sad a lot of the time, but those things ebbed away over the coming weeks and months and I felt more myself than I had done in a very long time.
Sometimes you can get into a relationship that requires so much energy and so much work, it literally drains the living daylights out of you, to the point where you can barely function anymore. Two people can love each other, but be seriously hard work relationship-wise, and you can end up feeling exhausted and like you’re giving everything and getting nothing back.
I met my current boyfriend a couple of months later, sooner than I’d anticipated. I say met, I’d actually already known him vaguely for a few years, and we got together, and it was like a breath of fresh air.
I’ve never been in a relationship that requires so little effort, and I mean that in the best way possible. We put in effort with each other, don’t get me wrong, but he’s very chilled out and I’m pretty highly strung, and he just lets me get on with my annoying, flamboyant ways, and my dramas over my fake eyelashes not sticking down properly, and what I get like after four or five proseccos. I don’t feel drained anymore, or exhausted, or stressed out. I just feel content.
I never thought I’d meet someone like that, as I’ve always thought I was seriously hard work (I’m no walk in the park) and that it would be a struggle to find someone to put up with me who was of a more calm and relaxed nature.
This time last year my life was so different it’s crazy, and I’m sure yours was too. Everything can change in a heartbeat, especially a relationship.
Just because you’ve devoted years of your life to someone or something, it doesn’t mean that you should keep being with that person or doing that thing, whether it’s a hobby or a job or anything else, if you’re not happy. Because essentially, being happy is all that matters.
I’d gotten to a point in my last relationship where I was so tired, so stressed, that I became uptight about everything and I forgot how to pick my battles and how to just let things go. I’ve become an entirely different person in that respect, because I’ve learnt to not be bothered by every little thing.
Being in a relationship is SO HARD because you’re completely unique, and you become joined to someone who’s equally completely unique, and you both have your quirks and traits, some better than others. You’re expected to just make it work, and slot into each others lives, and understand everything about one another.
Life doesn’t work like that, and people will piss you off, whether you love them or not. Try not to get yourself worked up about little things in your relationship, because eventually they cause issues, and most of the time, the little things aren’t worth it at all! I mean, bloody hell, my boyfriend told me he’s going to a gig in a different part of the country on our ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY the other day. Cool, no worries mate, I’ll just entertain myself shall I. Table for one please.
Me a year ago would’ve probably flown off the handle, told him that he doesn’t care about me or our relationship, and cried. Me today, simply said ‘Oh okay cool’. Yes, inside I was slightly seething at how much of an inconsiderate bastard he was for not remembering our anniversary and not offering to cancel going to the gig – but I’ve learnt to pick my battles, rather than kick off over things that in the long run aren’t really that important.
This is a really rambling long post to be honest with not much direction to it, but I like reading these kinds of things and I think (and hope) that you all do too.
What I’m trying to get at, is that relationships are difficult things, and humans are difficult things too. You can feel like your life has ended when your relationship ends, and trust me, I’ve been there, we’ve all been there. You’re talking to Night Nurse Gal here, who couldn’t even cope with one weekend before she needed drugs to knock her out cold (I wasn’t suicidal by the way, before anyone thinks I was. I just didn’t want to be awake, checking social media 24/7 and making myself feel worse. I do not recommend it by the way, and have never had Night Nurse since!).
When I was going through the absolute worst of my breakup, I sat myself down one day and I said (in my head) ‘You literally have no choice but to get through this. Dying isn’t an option, so getting on with it is the only other choice you have’, and from that day on I did just get on with it. I kept myself so busy it was a joke, literally doing stuff non stop. Sometimes I felt better, sometimes I felt worse. You just take each day as it comes; don’t be too hard on yourself when you’ve been fine for a week then you go out one night and start sobbing in the smoking area (been there, done that, got about sixteen t shirts).
We all do it, we all break down from time to time, you just literally have to allow it to happen, and be as strong as you can with it.
The one thing I would say, though, is don’t stay with anyone who makes you feel shit about yourself. It’s not worth it, and you’re wasting precious time, literally wasting your life away, by doing that. It is the BIGGEST EFFING WASTE OF TIME ANYONE CAN EVER BE INVOLVED IN. Please, take it from me, if you’re with someone who you aren’t happy with 80% of the time, it isn’t worth it.
80% is the correct ratio, I think, and I discussed this with my friends too. 100% is totally unrealistic. And of course, by happy, I don’t mean a fairytale lovestory with rose petals on the bed every night. I mean, you’re not having screaming rows, you’re not crying or feeling unloved. Just normal and content, 80% of the time, with a few fairytale moments thrown in for good measure.
I don’t regret anything that’s happened, especially not my 2 year relationship, because there were times when I was very happy, and I loved that boy a lot. I learnt a lot about myself and what I do and definitely don’t want, and most importantly, it led me to where I am now. Hard times also reveal true friends, and I stand by that.
So, with all that in mind, this is what I’ve learnt about relationships so far;
They’re hard, but worth it if you’re in the right one.
Don’t stay with anyone just because of time.
You can find someone new a lot quicker than you thought you would, and it doesn’t make it any less true or meaningful.
Don’t put up with anything that makes you feel unworthy, unloved or like you’re not good enough for someone.
You ARE good enough.
Every horrible emotion you feel during a breakup will pass, just give it time.
Try not to hold onto any anger after a breakup, the only person you’re harming is yourself.
Someone better and more suited to you will always come along.
You will end up where you’re meant to be, with who you’re meant to be with. Be patient.
All my love BGP xx