Dear BGP | ”My Boyfriend Cheated & My Friends Won’t Forgive Him”

”Dear BGP,

I have something that I need your advice on. Of course, it’s about my boyfriend.

We’ve been together almost 4 years now, but just before our 1 year anniversary he cheated on me and slept with someone else. At the time I was going through a lot with depression and anxiety and because my feelings for him were so strong, I feel as though I never truly expressed how hurt I was.

After we had a break, I made the decision to move on from it and stay with him as I feel like we were incredibly naïve and immature and he made me feel as though he could change.

People never believe me when I say I honestly think he has changed. He’s like a different person now, and I couldn’t ever see him doing something like that again.

However, countless of my so called ‘friends’ think it’s okay to bring up my decision on practically a weekly basis even though it’s been a very long time since it happened. I feel like I can’t escape the past because of them.

It keeps bugging me; should I listen to my heart and stay with him (as I love him very much and he loves me) or is it time to try to listen to others even though I know it’s going to be very painful?”

Hi,

I really feel for you reading this. If you’d have come to me when he first cheated, and said do I stay or do I go, 100% without a doubt I would’ve told you to go, because my views with cheating are very one way, and I always tell people the same thing.

However, it’s 3 years later, and you’re with him and it sounds like he’s never made the same mistake again, and as his girlfriend you know him very well, and if you’re saying he’s changed then I believe you.

That’s why I’m going to say, absolutely do not listen to your friends. If I’m being honest, they don’t sound like very good friends. I could understand when it first happened, them hating him and telling you to get rid, and maybe even for the first 6 months after. However, 3 years on and you’re still together and they should stop getting involved and support the decision you’ve made.

It’s your life, and your relationship, not theirs; I could also understand if he continually cheated on you thereafter, and you went crying to them every week or every month because he’d done it again. But he hasn’t, and so it affects their lives in no way whatsoever to just simply be supportive.

Yes, of course they care about you, and they’re angry that someone hurt someone they love, and they don’t want to see you get hurt again, but it’s years on and it’s time for them to move on, just like you have, the person who it ACTUALLY AFFECTS!

It’s putting an obvious strain on your relationship by them doing this, so if I were you I’d sit them down over lunch (things can get misconstrued and taken out of context via text) and tell them that you’re staying with him, you love each other a lot, it’s been 3 years, he has changed, and you don’t wish to discuss it with them anymore, because it’s upsetting you, it’s causing problems in your relationship, and as your friends all you want is their support. Tell them you got over it a long time ago and that’s your decision, not theirs. If he ever betrays you again, then they’re well within their rights to say ‘I told you so’, and that’s fine. But explain to them that he hasn’t given you any further reasons to not trust him, and you don’t want to discuss this again, you’d just like for it to not be brought up anymore as it’s hurtful for you as well.

If they can’t understand that, and still bring up, it’s time to get rid of bad rubbish; they’re your friends and should be there for you. I don’t agree with things my friends do or have done, just like they don’t with things I do; but never would they judge me, and constantly bring things up that they know I find hurtful, and vice versa. Your friends are absolutely allowed to disagree with your life choices, and decisions you make, and tell you so; but once they’ve done that, they should support you, and not bring them up, unless you do.

It’s your relationship, and whilst I don’t condone cheating at all, and I would never necessarily advise anyone to stay with someone who had cheated, like I said before, it’s 3 years on so I’m giving completely different advice than if he’d just done it. It does sound like he regrets it and has changed and wouldn’t do it again, and I don’t think you should end a relationship you’re happy in, and he’s happy in, because of other peoples opinions.

All my love BGP xx

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