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I hope you’re all well.
So, today is my Tinder Diaries fourth installment, where I am basically just telling you everything that’s been happening in my love life and Tinder dating experiences. You all seem to be thoroughly enjoying it which is great (maybe not so great for the men involved) – just an FYI, I’d recommend reading them in order so you know what’s going on! You definitely need to read the second post here, to understand what I’m going on about in this post, so have a quick read of that first if you haven’t already! I’d recommend knowing why on earth he’s called VAT Adam before you read this.
So, VAT Adam wanted to see me again. Is he okay hun? Surely not – I chewed his ears off for about 4 and a half hours whilst consuming what can only be described as a worrying amount of prosecco, and then decided to kiss him once every 5 and a half seconds, and then make a swift exit into a cab, falling down stairs and spilling the contents of my clutch bag out as I went (I’ll chase a MAC lip liner under a moving car, I don’t care).
He asked to see me the day after the date, which was obviously a categorical no because I woke up feeling like I’d just had surgery on my head, and so he then asked to take me out for dinner in the week, to which I said yes, and we met up again 4 days later.
VAT Adam…well, on paper, was the perfect gent. Text me saying good morning every single day, would check in and ask how my day was going, and actually one night called me for a nearly 40 minute phone call…just because. I’ve got to be honest and say I’m not even used to this kind of comforting behaviour from long term boyfriends, so to suddenly receive it from a man I’d been on ONE date with…well, I was beginning to wonder what the hell was going on, and become rather suspicious of VAT Adam and his intentions.
Was I extremely charming on the date and I just hadn’t realised? Had I drunk that much that I’d told some weird lie about how my grandparents are billionaires and on their way out and I’m due to inherit the lot, and he wanted in? Did I tell him I was a professional gymnast and he wanted to see what kind of moves I was capable of? God knows – I would’ve actually rather not known what I said on that date, because it was bound to be soul destroying.
Anyway, that was by the by – off on Date Number 2 I went.
We were meeting at a bar before dinner for a drink – obviously, I was late. I needed to get cash out, the taxi driver seemed to drive past every cash point within a 6 mile radius, and eventually I was forced to run into a corner shop, buy some chewing gum (85p), get cash back (£10) AND pay a £2.50 card charge…so essentially, a packet of Extra had cost me near on £15. Not a great start to be honest. I didn’t even need chewing gum – after becoming extremely ‘loose lipped’ on the first date, I was ensuring my mouth went nowhere near VAT Adam’s this time around.
He was there when I arrived, not that I realised this. I walked in, and stood looking around, and then irritably texting him asking where he was, only to jump out of my skin when I felt someone touch my back, and immediately got ready to have a showdown with whatever stranger was trying it on. Of course though, not everyone is a weirdo, and it was just him.
VAT Adam went and got our drinks (I promise you I’m more than happy to put my hand in my pocket, however he is also very insistent) – obviously, I ordered prosecco, because apparently I never learn from past mistakes and the fact that it always makes me act like a freak.
The pre meal drink went without issue, however when we started walking to the restaurant, VAT Adam tried a casual ‘arm round shoulders’ approach on me. Oooooh, Ads – you should know I’m not down for that. I am probably the least touchy feely person in the Universe. I have literally never even hugged some of my closest friends.
I kind of did what I assume he thought was some kind of odd dance move (except there was no music playing, anywhere) to remove myself from The Arm. I think poor VAT Adam probably got the gist of the fact I didn’t want an arm slung round me (partly because I don’t like touching and partly because I don’t want anyone leaning on my hair and ruining it), although I’m sure this confused him due to my post 11pm behaviour on our first date…that night, apparently, I was down for anything.
We got to the restaurant, and of course I felt extremely awkward regarding the The Arm Situation, so I walked very quickly ahead, actually held the door open for VAT Adam, requested the table that had been booked under his name, pulled my chair out and sat down before he was even fully through the door.
We ordered our drinks, and were sitting chatting, and not looking at the menus; I didn’t need to look at my menu, because I’d already downloaded the PDF menu on their website 3 days ago, studied it religiously and decided exactly what I was having.
After VAT Adam telling the waitress ‘Sorry, we haven’t even looked, still!’ for the 6th time, I finally snapped because I was getting hangry and I wanted my fucking braised lamb shank with red wine gravy and said ‘Look, I already know what I’m having, the PDF menu is on my laptop, I’m ready, so can you just decide please? Thanks’. The waitress looked a tad alarmed at this and looked at VAT Adam for reassurance that I shouldn’t be chucked out of the restaurant, and he awkwardly laughed and panic ordered the pork belly. I didn’t feel guilty. Pork belly is a good panic order. Risotto, on the other hand, is not.
Conversation flowed, with me desperately trying to ensure that my behaviour from the previous date was not brought up. I also found out that I’d told VAT Adam a lot more than I’d bargained for; everytime I went to tell him a story, or comment on something, he informed me that he actually already knew that, as I’d told him that on the first date…Jesus. If I couldn’t remember a discussion about how our parents met in the same club in Brighton, what else was I forgetting? Had I said anything particularly strange? Had I said that I wanted to birth his 4 kids, 2 sets of twins specifically, and that I couldn’t wait to build IKEA flat pack furniture with him? I wouldn’t put it past myself to be honest. I literally once left a 3 and a half minute voicemail singing Adele – Someone Like You to my ex boyfriend.
The food arrived and it was lovely – we were having quite a laugh at this point, which was probably why I hadn’t realised that I’d actually managed to put a 4 inch lamb bone into my mouth amongst a forkful of creamy mashed potato – and didn’t realise until it was half lodged in my throat.
Unable to actually communicate what was wrong with VAT Adam at this point, because of said lamb bone, my only choice was to give myself a mini Heimlich maneuver and regurgitate the lamb bone, and most of the other food I’d swallowed, into my napkin, whilst sitting opposite my date, who I was only meeting for the second time. Lovely.
‘Sorry…there was a bone, and erm-‘ I began to explain.
‘It’s fine. No worries.’ VAT Adam seemed to desperately want to forget the fact I’d basically just thrown up in front of him, in a nice, intimate restaurant, over a candlelit dinner. He suddenly seemed very interested in the crispy kale served alongside his pork belly.
I really wanted the Sticky Toffee Pudding with Clotted Cream Ice Cream for dessert (another choice from my PDF menu download), however after the Choking Situation, I thought it best to not eat anything else on that date (including his face), because I’d probably end up choking on a date embedded into my pudding and then VAT Adam would start thinking I was trying to fake my own death to leave the evening early or something.
The journey home with VAT Adam (he insisted on driving me home, which was nice, and also brave seeing as I seem to have a habit of doing weird things around him) except for the fact we couldn’t locate his car in the car park for 20 minutes. Walking round an NCP car park on our second date wasn’t what I had in mind, but it’s swings and roundabouts isn’t it.
An extremely brief peck was exchanged when we arrived outside my house, and then I immediately exited the car, aware that I’d had a fair few proseccos, and God knows what I’m capable of at times, so I thought it best to get in the safety of my house before I tried to throw myself at him, or vomited again.
I was thinking ‘Surely this is it now, this is where I get ghosted after he saw the contents of my stomach’, however I received a text 25 minutes later, saying he’d just gotten home…was there anything this man couldn’t handle? Did he actually like me or was this whole dating rigmarole so entertaining for him because I appeared to just do weirder stuff every time? Did VAT Adam have his own blog where he was recording our dating stories, to a load of his own alarmed and entertained followers, desperate to read what the Weird Drunken Vomiting Girl was going to do next?Who knew.
So, that was my 2nd date with VAT Adam…I’m talking about a different Tinder date in my next post, but fear not, VAT Adam is back for a 3rd time in the post after that!
All my love BGP xx