(Photo taken by me, on a glacier in Iceland, February 2016)
I am having a Quarter Life Crisis.
I don’t mean to sound dramatic, or like a bit of a dick, but I am.
A year ago, I was in a serious relationship. My weekends were made up of mini breaks, Sunday roasts with our couple friends, some of whom had babies who would be soundly sleeping next to the table whilst we cracked open another bottle of Sauvignon, and sauntering hand in hand along the seafront, stopping for lunch on the way, discussing dinner plans for the evening.
1 year on, and my weekends are now either spent at home by myself crying into my Wagamama takeaway, or in grotty, loud, thumping nightclubs that I should’ve retired from 5 years ago, on the weekends where I can drag my coupled up friends away from the lovely lives they have in committed relationships, where they have dogs and book holidays to Lake Como, and go and have meals and bottles of red wine with each others families.
I am the third wheel, the fifth wheel, the seventh wheel, the odd-number-wheel. I am the friend that Facetimes you crying and drunk in a kebab shop whilst you’re snuggled up in your IKEA bed with your boyfriend, and you make sympathetic cooing noises and you genuinely do care about what a mess my life is, but then the Facetime ends and you go back to your wonderful, comfortable relationship where you never cry in a kebab shop.
My dressing table, once gleaming and glittering with lavish beauty products, has now become a dumping ground for anything I don’t want to deal with. Accountants letters, a bottle of surface cleaner, a catalogue I’m too lazy to put in the recycling bin at the moment, some pairs of clean socks, a hot water bottle, a prosecco glass…the list is endless and the dressing table is piling up with more and more shit. I feel like it’s representative of my life at the moment, as I watch it pile up more and more everyday until I can’t actually see my dressing table beneath the pile of crap.
Previously confident and optimistic about my blog, I now feel wracked with worry that nothing is good enough and no clue of the direction I’m heading in.
I have become completely uninterested in pursuing anything with any man, for the single reason that I simply cannot be let down again. It is emotionally exhausting and draining, being in the dating game (I don’t know why they call it a game because games are meant to be fun and this is far from it) and I’m fed up with it. It would be nice to be with someone but I just have absolutely no expectations, and I can’t commit to something that’s going to backfire in my face again.
My current life is funny, to many. It’s funny to me too a lot of the time. However after the chip shop at the end of a night out, when everyone piles into taxis to return to their respective homes and lives, you’re left sitting in the back of a cab by yourself, with only your thoughts for company, and it’s a dangerous place to be sometimes. Why am I single? Why do none of my relationships work out? Why do people fuck me over? Why can I never get the fake tan to go right on my armpit? Why do I transfer money out my savings account every fucking month just to buy more shoes and more takeaways and more cocktails and then complain that my skin is shit and I’m poor?
I am not saying for one second that my life is harder than anyone else’s, or that this is the worst thing to happen to anyone…I am so aware that I am blessed in comparison to many people who have so much shit going on. I have my health, my family and friends, a roof over my head, food on the table, and a blog that has turned into something that has allowed me to connect with so many amazing people, and have all you great people reading what I write…I am lucky in so many ways. However, everything is relative, and we are all allowed to go through shit times sometimes, even if in the grand scheme of things, it’s really not all that bad.
Comparison is the thief of joy, and I need to stop comparing. I need to stop comparing my lives to my friends, as everyones life moves in a different direction and takes a different route. This just so happens to be my route at the moment.
For nearly 5 years, half a bloody decade (!!!), I have shared my life with you all on here. Ups, downs, amazing times, quite frankly shit times. I hope that I’ll have this blog for the rest of my life, and that hopefully one day I’ll be documenting getting married and having kids on here, but it’s hard to look optimistically into the future sometimes when you are bogged down. I know things will get better, of course they will. I don’t want to be a Negative Nelly (sorry to anyone called Nelly reading this), but I also want to be real and honest with you all. I’m not going to pretend everything is hunky dory when it’s not.
I don’t think my current Quarter Life Crisis is based around the fact I’m single; in some kind of odd way, although it doesn’t sound like it, I’m quite enjoying being single. I am a massive overthinker, so because I now don’t have anyone to necessarily focus my attention on, it’s given me a lot of space to think, and that means, I’m thinking about e v e r y t h i n g. My brain is going over and over past relationships and heartbreak, and it’s made me scared. I don’t know how I’d manage being fucked over again, having someone become my entire life, for them to then take it all away. You shouldn’t make someone the centre of your Universe, but it’s easier said than done.
I want to be happy and content, whether that’s with or without someone, and I think to do that, you need to let go of the past and focus on all the positive parts of your life, for which there are many for all of us, if we look hard enough.
I hope that writing this post may have helped some of you who feel the same, and I also hope that after writing it all down and throwing it out onto the internet, it may have helped me too. I might look back on this post in years to come and laugh because little did I know, amazing things were about to happen for me. Who knows, I suppose that is what makes life interesting.
Thank you for reading my big long ramble (that sounds like a euphemism, it’s not), and I’ll speak to you all soon.
All my love BGP xx