Hi everyone, I hope you’re well.
Today’s post has been long, long overdue. I try and cover all bases on this blog, for every type of love, heartbreak and relationship issue someone could be experiencing, and that of course I’ve experienced, and I realised I’d never talked about someone being able to commit, or more specifically, not being able to commit.
Rather than dressing the situation up, it’s generally a feeling of unrequited love. It doesn’t matter whether or not you’re looking for a relationship, or whether you want to be single; if you meet the right person, and you love them and don’t wanna lose them, you’ll be committed to them. There’s no two ways about it.
When my friend met her boyfriend, she was having the time of her life being single and didn’t really want a boyfriend. However, she also didn’t wanna let go of someone who she thought was really good for her, so she committed to him and they’re still together now. Sometimes we do meet the ‘right person at the wrong time’ in the sense that you wanna get a bit more of the ‘single partying’ times out the way, or focus on your career a bit longer, but essentially, if they’re the right person, there’s no wrong time, and you will go out of your way to be with them, no matter the circumstances.
I was with someone for over a year who I really did love, but he could never really ‘commit’. We were together, in a relationship, but I could tell his heart wasn’t in it from the get go. As things started going to shit, and we were in a kind of ‘on/off situation’ (I use that term loosely), he wanted us to see each other casually and see how things went. I lasted a matter of weeks before I couldn’t do it anymore; you can’t go from being in a serious relationship to casually dating someone. It’s a mind fuck for all parties involved, mainly yourself.
He wanted more time, as he just ‘couldn’t commit right at that time’. I went back and forth with myself, wondering what to do; I loved him, and I wanted to be with him. I thought about the heartache of the last month or so that I’d gone through, of not knowing what we were, where I stood, or how to feel, of not having the security of knowing I was 100% with someone. I had to call it quits, as painful as it was for me, because I couldn’t be left in limbo anymore.
When someone can’t commit, your answer is right there. You need to stop making excuses to yourself about why they can’t commit. The answer is simple, it’s right there in front of you.
If someone can’t commit to you now, they never will – not to you, anyway. You commit to who you want to commit to. You’re with who you wanna be with.
When I met my ex, I really wasn’t looking for a boyfriend, nor did I particularly want one, but I wanted to be with him, so caution was thrown to the wind and off I went to be with him; because I’d rather have stopped my single life to be with him than not have been with him at all, and ending up losing him completely.
I know how many people are stuck in an on/off situation right now with someone who just can’t commit to them fully, and honestly, it’s a waste of your time. If you also don’t want commitment then that’s fine; but if you do, you’re looking for it in the wrong place with someone who ‘doesn’t want to put a label on things’ and has wanted to ‘see how things go’ for the best part of a year.
You end up thinking you’re asking a lot from someone; they make you feel like you’re being unfair and demanding. Just for the record; you’re not.
Do you really want to spend years of your life looking for answers, wondering what the fuck is going on, if you’re single or not, if they’re single or not, if you’ll ever end up properly together, if they will ever be able to commit and give you what you want? Questioning your self worth every single day, wondering what’s wrong with you as to why someone isn’t 100% sure that they wanna be with you? If they’d be sure about someone else? Is it you that’s the problem?
It’s the most destructive situation to be in, and all it does is fuck with your head. I actually found the on/off non committal stage I was stuck in at the end to be more painful than the actual break up; at least I finally knew where I stood and what to expect, and that was nothing, rather than be left dangling, constantly requiring reassurance that you’re never going to get, from the one person who will never give it to you.
One of the most important things I’ve learnt in life, is that love is not enough.
Love is necessary, it’s a solid ingredient in a relationship. It’s the flour to a cake, it’s the base of everything. However, commitment is the eggs, trust is the butter, attraction is the 180 degree heat in the oven. Without all those things, you won’t get a fully risen cake. Flour isn’t enough, just like love isn’t; you need other things too.
Just because you love someone, it isn’t reason enough to stick around. People often mistake love as the sole reason to do anything, and put up with all manner of shit. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work with just love, and it never will.
If someone can’t commit to you, do yourself a favour and make the decision easier for them by taking yourself out of the equation. There’s thousands of people out there who will commit to you, who won’t need an ultimatum, and won’t need ‘time to think’ or ‘space to work out what they want’. They won’t need to ‘get back to having fun with you’ before they can make a decision on the future of your relationship. That doesn’t happen with the right person.
Do yourself a favour, and let yourself go and live your life and find happiness in people who don’t need to evaluate your place in their life.
All my love BGP xx