Hi everyone, I hope you’re all well.
I have been single for 7 months now, and I thought now was as good a time as any to reflect on everything that’s happened, and how it has been the most positive, life affirming thing to ever happen to me.
I’ve spoken briefly about it before, but I haven’t really been ”single” for years. I was went from seeing people, to being in two long term relationships over a period of years, so this is quite literally the longest I’ve been fully by myself for a very long time.
I hated it at first; absolutely hated it. I ended 2017 and began 2018 with pure hatred and anger rattling around inside me. Let’s be honest, it’s more of a struggle being single over Christmas and New Year than it is in Summer, and unfortunately for me, I became single as all the festivities were beginning. It’s all well and good being free as a bird when you’re pouring jager down your throat on a boat party in Ibiza, but it’s another thing entirely when it’s -6 degrees outside and you’re at your Aunties annual Christmas Eve party, being asked by Uncle Roger yet again if you’re still on the shelf. YES ROGER HUN, I AM. HENCE I’M ATTENDING THIS PARTY ALONE FOR THE 8TH YEAR IN A ROW.
At first, I desperately wanted my ex boyfriend back; I honestly couldn’t care less if that nugget of information ever travelled it’s way back to him because it’s the truth, and I’m not ashamed to admit to being heartbroken. However, it quickly transpired after beginning to move on, that I just wanted someone. The prospect of a lonely Christmas, and seeing 2018 in with all my friends and their boyfriends…well, it was too much to bear. I spent the entirety of December drinking copious amounts of prosecco and refusing to acknowledge that at some point I had to face up to reality and accept that I was single.
I joined Tinder, and with that sparked my 6 part blog series The Tinder Diaries, my most popular blog posts of all time, that, to my absolute shock, received hundreds of thousands of bloody views – WTF?! I had not expected my dating life to be so popular to men and women alike, but it was, and I am so glad I did create those posts as I think they’ve been entertaining for a lot of people.
Anyway, I dated a few people – VAT Adam being the longest running, managing to snag 3 dates. However, I don’t think my heart was really in dating anyone. I was just doing it because I was bored with life, and needed reassurance that men still wanted me. Cor, that is not a good thing to admit on the internet, is it?!
We are approaching May now, and honestly…I just have absolutely no inclination to have a boyfriend. Of course, as a woman in her 20’s with a severe lack of willpower, there are people I’m ‘texting’ (God I feel like I’m in Year 8 again saying that!), but am I absolutely desperate to get any of them to the altar, or even to accompany me to family Sunday lunches? No bloody way. Yes, of course, if I met the right person, then I’m not going to tell them to fuck off (though knowing me I probably would do that), but I really, honestly, and truly, do not care about being with anybody for the foreseeable future.
I have made such peace with myself, and I am so content being on my own right now, that I am actually afraid of anyone messing that up. I love not having anyone to answer to, not having to worry about the dynamics of a relationship, or make plans around someone else. I answer to myself, I worry about myself, I make plans around myself and what I want to do.
There’s no toilet seat being left up, no rows because I’ve booked us a spa weekend whilst the FA Cup Final is on, no having to look at someones moody face as I drag them round Topshop; I don’t mean to sound critical of relationships, because they can be amazing and I really do want one at some point, but it really is so bloody nice only having to think about myself to a certain degree. Obviously, I think and worry about my friends and family, but they’re all pretty self sufficient.
After a string of failed relationships that left me hating parts of myself, and questionning what was wrong with me, it’s been a breath of fresh air to be totally by myself.
Me and my friends were out a few weeks ago, and I said to them ”You know when you hear a sad love song and someone automatically comes to mind? This is the first time in my life that I hear these songs about missing someone, or wanting to be with them, or being heartbroken…AND NO ONE COMES TO MIND! Not one single person comes to mind and I fucking love it”. And I do. I really do fucking love it.
I feel like now, when and if I do meet someone, I won’t take any shit, because I’m so happy being by myself that I won’t accept bad behaviour as I will be perfectly happy ending it and being alone again.
Honestly, if you’re currently feeling shit after a breakup, or down in the dumps about being single…try and embrace it and take it for what it is. The chances are that you’ll meet someone, and probably even get married, so enjoy this period of your life as much as you can, because it might not last very long.
All my love BGP xx