Recovering Your Self Worth & Confidence

”A flower does not think of competing with the next flower. It just blooms.”

Hi everyone, I hope you’re all well.

Basically, relationship/love life/general life blogs are my most highly requested, and it’s not that I think I’m a fountain of knowledge or anything like that, but I have been involved with some exceptionally questionable men in my life, and if nothing else, they’ve taught me a lot about myself.

If you’ve never been dumped, rejected, or made to feel like you’re not enough for someone, then I am genuinely overjoyed for you and will send you on your merry way. However, the chances are that you have been dumped, rejected or made to feel like you’re not enough for someone, and if so, you’re in the right place.

A bit of back story on me and my love life; I have almost laughable bad luck with men. It’s an ongoing joke between friends and family, on this blog, and generally my own head. I actually take the piss out of myself at this point. I haven’t shared the vast majority of horrific male experiences I’ve had on this blog, partly out of pure embarrassment and partly because where do I fucking begin? I don’t hate men, before I get accused of it, I actually like men a lot; that’s where my issues begin and where they end.

My self confidence has been repeatedly knocked down throughout the years after bad relationships and bad dating experiences piled on top of each other. It did reach a point where it was rock bottom and was basically being continually pushed underground with each experience. I didn’t for one second blame anyone other than myself; it was me. I wasn’t good enough, funny enough, pretty enough, my boobs weren’t big enough, I wasn’t sexy enough, I wasn’t ENOUGH. My brain could not compute that actually…THEY were the problem, not me.

In one of my longest relationships, there was nothing I wouldn’t put up with. Nothing. He could’ve done anything and I would’ve accepted it. I loved him, or looking back I loved the idea of him more so, and the thought of not being with him was too much to bear. I had convinced myself I couldn’t do better, didn’t deserve better, and that how he was treating me was absolutely fine as long as he remained in my life. I was in a mental state where I thought being with him, no matter what he did, was better than being without him. My self worth was in tatters and so it was so much easier to be manipulated into a false sense of unworthiness.

When we eventually did end, I still went through further relationships and dating situations where I allowed continual bad behaviour; I put up with whatever shit was thrown at me and barely even registered someone’s blatant disrespect towards me.

I don’t know what changed, but something snapped inside me, not even too long ago. Trust me, it has taken years to get to this point, and I’m not even where I want to be yet. So, something snapped inside me. I was seeing someone who made a few comments that weren’t particularly nice and tried to make me feel bad about myself, they led me on and didn’t treat me with respect, and something just clicked inside me and said ‘Nope, not again’.

It is draining, on the brain, body, on every single part of you, to continually get treated like shit by people and to put up with it. You become accustomed to bad treatment and cruel words and toxic behaviour. You think it’s all you’re worth, and you don’t even know what someone treating you well looks like, it’s like a foreign language to you. You look at other peoples happy relationships, or friends who get treated amazingly by their boyfriends and you think ‘It’s obviously just not meant for me, I’ll never experience that’. You actually begin to resent yourself because you think you’re to blame.

I have been there and been trapped in that mindset for as long as I can remember, but it reached a point where I couldn’t do it anymore and I was sick of accepting shit.

I realised that I am who I am, I’m not going to change and I’m not going to apologise. I don’t care whether 1 man or 1000 men have made me feel like I’m not enough, that is their problem and it’s their loss. I know what I can do and what I can give and to be honest if you can’t see that or appreciate it then I don’t want you anyway, because someone else will, and it’s their gain.

I refuse to waste my life with toxic individuals who don’t actually deserve me in the first place. You should not be wasting yours either. It may seem like you’re not worthy of being treated well but you are, and a few time wasting dickheads (I knew it wouldn’t be long before I called someone a dickhead) should not define you, or make you think you’re not amazing.

How dare someone treat you like shit and actually think they have the right to do that, pick you up and drop you whenever they please, or make you sit at home and cry? Anyone who’s worth even a second of your time should not be making you cry, and if they do they can swivel on it. Make time for people who make time for you. Stop crossing oceans for people who wouldn’t step over a puddle for you. Stop giving everything to get nothing back.

There will be someone who treats you like you’re literally a queen who is the best thing to ever happen to them, and until you meet that person, don’t waste a second more of your precious time with anyone who causes you upset, because they should not be in your life.

It’s an extremely hard and long process, regaining your confidence and self worth after it’s been shat on/stamped on, and generally smashed up with a meat cleaver by years worth of horrific individuals, but it’s never too late to get it back, and it’s a lot easier than it seems. The second you adopt a zero tolerance policy to disrespectful behaviour and realise that there are so many people out there who will treat you like the sun shines out your arse, that’s when you will begin to see what you’re worth, and it’s a lot more than the twats who have ever made you feel anything less than amazing.

Speak soon.

All my love BGP xx

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