Hi everyone, I hope you’re all well.
I asked on Instagram a few weeks ago what kind of blogs you all want to see from me, and I was overwhelmed with the amount of responses I got from people regarding being themselves and changing who they are in a relationship.
It was staggeringly in the format of ‘My boyfriend says he doesn’t like it when I do this’ or ‘I’m trying to be more like this’ and it spurred me on to write this post.
It made me think of my previous relationships, and how to some degree, I had changed, adapted or molded myself for each and every single one of them.
Don’t get me wrong, a certain level of compromise has to happen between both parties for a relationship to work; however, when did we start changing the very backbone of who we are just to please someone else?
It sounds silly but I was seeing someone who hated, if not despised, the fact I fake tanned. He had known when he met me I fake tanned and that I would continue to do so, but after a month or two suddenly professed his hatred for it and told me to stop doing it. He didn’t like how it looked and was sick of the fact my bed sheets (yes, reader, notice the way I said MY bed sheets) would get fake tan on them. Rather than tell him to swivel on a bottle of St Tropez, little old me tried to convince him I was using sun beds rather than fake tan (something I’d never do), and did masters degree level research into fake tan that didn’t transfer onto bed sheets just to keep the peace and stop him flipping out everytime he saw a tanning mitt poking out of my bathroom cupboard.
In the running scheme of things, and in my chequered love life, this is perhaps the least serious change a man has demanded of me, but I want to keep things lighthearted, because some of the commands I’ve had in relationships over the years would make your eyes roll back into your heads, as I’m sure yours would have too. At the same time though, is it really that lighthearted? Fake tanning is something I love to do, it’s part of who I am, it’s part of my appearance and it brings me happiness, which many people may mock, but it’s true. Why should I have to change it? And why did I try to?
‘I wish you’d just be more reserved and quiet’, ‘Stop getting lip fillers’, ‘Dye your hair back blonde’, ‘Stop talking so much’,; the requirements that almost seemed to be an ultimatum to keep the men I’ve been involved with happy over the years could be enough to have completely change the person I was, if it hadn’t been for having parents and friends who fiercely brought me back down to earth and asked me what the hell I was doing changing for anyone.
Your character, your likes and dislikes, the way you want to look, your passions and hobbies, they are part of who you are and changing any single one of them to make someone else happy means that you’re sacrificing your own happiness, and a relationship built on that will only last for so long. You will resent the person who insisted that you change and it will amalgamate into something so much bigger over time.
As clichè as it sounds, life really is too short to spend it with people who don’t accept you for who you are. You won’t be everyone’s cup of tea, nor will everyone you meet be your own glass of champagne either, but the beauty of the world is that there’s over 7 billion people and you will find someone to spend your life with who truly accepts you for who you are.
You may have been convinced over the years that you’re unlovable as you are but it’s only a matter of time until you find someone who is obsessed with the person you are, and wants you without having to make any adjustments or changes. They want you as a whole and that’s that.
All my love BGP xx