Hi everyone, I hope you’re all well!
I’ve not posted a blog for ages, and more importantly, I’ve not posted a blog where I’ve just scrambled my thoughts and feelings to you all for ages. So here I am; doing just that.
I feel odd. I’m sure most of us do. By no means am I saying odd is the worst thing to be feeling; I feel inexplicably grateful to be healthy, and for all my friends and family to be healthy. There is literally nothing more precious than that, and no price can be put in it. I know that so many people have lost loved ones, and to them I am so, so, so sorry. I can’t even imagine what you’re going through. I also know I’m so lucky to still be earning money, another thing that many people have lost out on, and something that will definitely be causing thousands, if not millions, unbelievable stress and worry. So that’s just my disclaimer, that I’m not ungrateful for my health or job. However, I can’t help feeling stuck in a rut.
I’ve spoken to so many people who feel the same; life isn’t normal right now, far from it, but I feel like the time at home, the time away from others, has probably opened all of our eyes to a lot of things. What we’re missing in life, what isn’t bringing us happiness, what we want to be doing with our lives, the changes we want to make once all this is over…at the same time as having a total lack of motivation, a bleak outlook and a totally miserable feeling deep inside us.
I feel like there’s a million things I want to change in my life but I have no energy to change those things. I’m coasting along, and all the things I thought I’d do if I were ever given 3 months or so at home with nothing but time…well, I haven’t done them. I’m beating myself up about it, at the same time as trying to be nicer to myself, telling myself, ‘Well, to be fair, you’re in the middle of a pandemic’ – but it almost isn’t any comfort to me.
I feel weird. I can’t explain it exactly, can’t put my finger on exactly what it is. A mish mash of mental exhaustion, anxiety, lack of motivation, confusion, lack of control, being in limbo…not knowing what the hell is going on or what will come next, but almost like I’m floating along in a time that will last forever. I miss friends and family, I miss the excitement of a holiday or a weekend away, but I feel in a bubble, and safe, and like finally there’s no fear of missing out. All the people you’d stalk on Instagram living these seemingly amazing lives, partying in incredible countries, dining in to die for restaurants…well, they’re stuck indoors the same as you. There’s no ‘they’ve got a better life than me, my life is boring and average’ anymore. It’s both comforting, surreal and just a bit shit.
It also feels like you need to make a big change after this; like this massive event has happened to you for a reason, and there must be something you need to change or take from it. And you can’t put your finger on what it is, but you feel like you need to change something, do something, be someone different after it.
This post is literally word vomit, but I had to get it out. This blog is 7 years old in a few months and I used to write all my thoughts and feelings and emotions about breakups and makeups and life in general, and I’ve not done it for a while, and right now is when I need to do it most. I’m so grateful I have this space on the internet to share how I’m feeling, and I’m so grateful to anyone who’s reading this.
I hope you’re all safe and well, and that your loved ones are too. Thank you to everyone working so hard to keep us safe, keep us eating, and surviving and everything else that the amazing people in this country are doing right now.
Sending love to everyone living in a state of confusion and worry.
All my love BGP xx